A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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