can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
