I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
