she was so not down for the gang bang
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
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