How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
