Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
