just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Oh god it's open bar.