i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
