if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
