I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
