I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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