She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
