she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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