i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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