my phone needs a breathalizer
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
