I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
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He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
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I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize