She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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