Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
