New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
