Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
