Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?