i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
