You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
