our cab driver is having phone sex.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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