Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Randomize
