Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
