if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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