I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
