He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
