dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
