Well douche your snatch and let's go!
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
