if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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