i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
