He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
