Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
What a dumb baby whore.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
