You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
