im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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