You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
