Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
