I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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