I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Randomize
