the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
