I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
