The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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