If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
