the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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