I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
