I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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