textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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