Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
