If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
