And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Come see our sink grown plant.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
