She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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