Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
