I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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