Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
