In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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