Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
