sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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