Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
