if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Randomize
