Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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