and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
