I am in a vortex of obligation.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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